When the Inspector Came to Call

This drawer represents the latest in bill organizing technology in the Aubre, Heather, and Valerie household. The system, for all its complexity, has a surprisingly user-friendly interface - we simply put the latest bills somewhere vaguely on top, in whatever jumbled order the bills come. It could not be said that we prioritize keeping records of what bills we do or do not receive. Our system is proudly inter-utility in its outlook: bills lie mingled for such sundry items as gas, electricity, hot water, cold water, trash, hot water and heating, and other miscellaneous services (we do not necessarily know exactly what every bill is for: ours not to question, but simply to pay).

This has not been a problem until last night, when an inspector came to call. He was wearing a trenchcoat and bowler hat, or would have been were we in an English murder mystery. As it was, he was wearing a windbreaker (he probably drives on his rounds - it's been balmy, but not that balmy) and holding a clipboard with (Russian) writing on it. Aubre and Heather called me for Russian assistance upon opening the door to him. Now, in order to fully appreciate this story, you have to know that a situation in which I am called upon as the most able Russian speaker is bound to end in tragi-comedy.

This, I believe, is what happened as the inspector would relate it later that night to his befuddled and much-amused wife:

"So, I rang this doorbell and these girls opened it. I worked out that they were foreigners from their gobsmacked looks as I explained that I was going to turn off their power as they had not paid their bills. They called a third girl, who asked me if I was here about the gas bill, despite the fact that I had clearly stated to the other two girls that I was here about their electricity bill. I somehow managed to get it into her thick head that I was here because they hadn't paid their bill, but she kept asking if they could pay it now. [Interjection from aforementioned girl: I still don't know why we weren't able to just pay him then. We were perfectly willing to.]

I asked her to show me their last electricity bill, at which point she disappeared into the living room, to re-emerge in a while with a fistful of bills that she thrust at me to sort through. She did look somewhat apologetic at this stage. None of the ten bills she gave me was for electricity, and I told her so. I pointed out that electricity bills have colourful backs, at which point her face lit up - finally, something she could understand - and she proudly presented me with a bill with a coloured back. This was the October bill, however, and I pointed out that the bill they hadn't paid was the November one. She stared aghast at me and stammered, "We didn't, we didn't" [Interjection: I couldn't at that moment remember the Russian word for "receive". Of course, I remembered it two minutes after the inspector left. That is generally the way of things with my Russian.]

Anyway, at this point, I asked to talk to their houseowner, whereupon their faces registered panic and they rummaged feverishly through a pile of papers underneath their phone before lighting on a small scrap of paper on which was written their landlord's number. [Interjection: We hope it was his number. There wasn't exactly a name on the piece of paper. Like I said, we're organized.] They tried calling him, but he clearly did not pick up. The third girl felt the need to convey this to me after the abortive phone call by repeating, "House owner, he's not, he's not" [Interjection: I couldn't remember the Russian words for "picking up his phone". Later, of course, the bright thought occurred to me that I could have said 'answering', a verb that I know.]. Whereupon I gave up on trying to communicate with them and left them my number, telling them to tell their house owner to call me. Foreigners!!"

At this point in the story, no doubt his five year old son would be poking around in his plov and proudly thinking, "Even I would have communicated better than those girls..."

As a result of this incident, we have decided that we need a new bill organization system in which the bills are actually, well, organized. We'll get around to it sometime.